Friday November 10, 2006 1:37PM
Dave Eng teaches "Improv: Your License to be Awesome"
Dave Eng teaches "Improv: Your License to be Awesome" NEWS UPDATE: Sunday November 12, 2006
Unfortunately because I am only one man and I have not yet mastered the skills necessary to clone myself I will be capping the free seminar at “19 Confirmed Guests” (including myself) So when the “Confirmed Guests” mark hits 19 registration for the free seminar will be closed. I will however still send you information on the full length class if you are still interested if you have clicked “Might be Attending” or have clicked “Confirmed” and don’t show the day of the seminar. Cool beans? Dave Eng out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I am, I’ve decided to teach a class at the University of Hartford on Improvisation, but before I get into the down and dirty of that I thought I would judge the student body interest by holding a FREE improv seminar on Saturday December 2, 2006 from 3:00PM – 5:00PM in Gengras Student Union. Anyone is welcome to attend: University of Hartford current students, alumni, faculty or staff.
I’ll gauge by the free seminar if there is enough interest in holding a full-length class. Also cause I’m feeling generous: by attending the free seminar you are also entitled to a $20 discount should you wish to advance to class registration and continue your training in being awesome.
RSVP the Event Here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=22...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the class info if you’re interested in participating in the full run:
You have AWESOME POTENTIAL if you've ever wanted to...
…be a poet laureate? an SAT genius? a Renaissance artist?
…be so powerful in front of an audience it was if a solid gold stream of pure creativity was pouring out of every orifice of your body?
… ride a donkey over the Himalayas? Pilot a lizard powered chariot over Olympus Mons on the planet Mars? Transcend time and space to become a being of pure energy?
Waste no more time dreaming! You can do all of this and more when you take “Improv: Your License to be Awesome”, a six week improvisation class taught by the University of Hartford’s own Dave Eng.
What will I learn in “Improv: Your License to be Awesome” class?
Group Bonding, “Hyper” Focus and Awareness, Creativity through the “Group Mind”, Finding Energy in yourself and your Scene Partner, and Performance Dynamic. You will also learn to do some kick ass improv comedy (note: ass kicking may or may not be involved. Consult your personal physician)
Taking a speech class? Public speaking? Let Dave Eng’s “Improv: Your License to be Awesome” class help you along the way. Become confident in your public image and make people laugh at the same time (with you not at you) Theatre, Drama, or Musical Theatre Major? Take Dave Eng’s class for up to 3 accredited University Credits GURANTEED! (Note: This is not a guarantee)
BEST PART: At the end of your six weeks of Jedi focused and intense guerilla training you WILL GET A CHANCE TO PERFORM! In front of your friends, family and pet monkeys. Totally free, totally for you. Hey you earned it. You’ve earned your “License to be Awesome”
“Improv: Your License to be Awesome” is open to all University of Hartford current students, alumni, faculty and staff.
A little biography on Dave Eng.
Dave Eng graduated from the University of Hartford in 2005. During his tenure there he started “…stop laughing Mom!” the university’s first and only improvised comedy troupe. At the end of his reign of terror he produced and directed over fifty shows, wrote and starred in “Checkmate SUCKA!” and “RUMORS” comedy revues and helped to give a blind boy his sight back (figuratively speaking.) Dave has been performing and studying improv comedy for the past six years and has studied with Armondo Diaz of Chicago’s Improv Olympic, Billy Merritt and Michael Delaney of New York’s The Upright Citizens Brigade, and Gary Austin of Los Angeles’ the Groundlings. Since working in New York he has been featured on Colbert Report on Comedy Central. As you can tell Dave Eng is a totally awesome dude and wants to teach you improv so badly that he often cries at night when he isn’t able to do so. (You can tell because of the stains on the pillow case)
http://www.davengdesign.com
 I will cry if you don't learn something from me.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday November 6, 2006 10:56AM
HEADSHOT!
HEADSHOT!
http://www.davengdesign.com/actorwritercommedian-headshots.htm
Before today I didn’t know the meaning of the phrase “make sweet love to the camera” but after a solid two hours of shooting I am now able to fully realize exactly how beautiful I really am thanks to Alden Ford Photography.
In my search to find a headshot photographer that can truly capture the untamed animalistic elegance that is Dave Eng I searched far and wide and finally settled on this young photographer located in a quaint borough of New York that the natives call “Brooklyn” which I believe in the Allegheny Native American tongue literally translates into “abandoned naval shipyard”
However after a remarkable and professional session I am finally able to have “professional quality” headshots at a fraction of the price. Alden (and make up assistant Alyssa) were kind and considerate and brought out the natural sexiness that ordinarily flows untamed from my facial pores.
Sadly by early afternoon our jovial conversations of the “Smallies” and “Giuseppe’s” gangs came to a close (inside joke alarm) and with newly burnt CD in hand I set out again for my far away and distant home land known as “New Jersey”
Check out my badass headshots here: http://www.davengdesign.com/actorwritercommedian-headshots.htm
Check out the rest of Alden’s work here: http://www.aldenford.com/
~Dave “Batman’s a Scientist!” Eng
http://www.davengdesign.com/actorwritercommedian-headshots.htm
 Volcanoes are prevalent in Brooklyn, NY
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday October 24, 2006 2:21PM
Dave Eng has a NEW WEBSITE Dave Eng has a NEW WEBSITE
http://www.davengdesign.com/
It's finally done. I just recently finished revamping my new website so you should all check it out for the following reasons:
1)Cool pictures of me wearing cool clothes
2)Actor Writer Comedian Section with badass Resume, Headshots, Press, Articles, Blogs, and Upcoming Shows
3)Web Design Section with quotes from actual Dave Eng Design clients (NOT from my mom)
4)Photography Section that is soon to house pictures so great it makes Ansel Adams look like a rejected community college art student
5)Contact Section with constantly updated Facebook tag displaying the active whereabouts of its owner and master Dave Eng.
Where can you find this website full of explosive orgasm inducing content? Why right here:
http://www.davengdesign.com/
 Now you know how God feels when he's looking at my website
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tuesday Oct 24, 2006 1:57PM
SEE DENG AND JUSTIN PERFORM LONG FORM IMPROV COMEDY FOR THE LAST TIME BEFORE BEING CONSUMED ALIVE BY MAN EATING REPUBLICANS
SEE DENG AND JUSTIN PERFORM LONG FORM IMPROV COMEDY FOR THE LAST TIME BEFORE BEING CONSUMED ALIVE BY MAN EATING REPUBLICANS
Unfortunately this will be the last time that you will EVER see Dave Eng and Justin Moran perform long-form improv comedy together before they are both eaten alive by Republicans on November 1st (aka All Republicans Day) I know that this will be a sad day for the improv comedy world; and that is all the more reason why you should check out this show before Dave Eng and Justin Moran are torn to tiny conservative little bits. One time only! Come check it out before they are decimated by a team of well dressed yacht club owners!
Justin Moran and Dave Eng do long-form improv comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on Monday October 30, 2006 at 6:30PM $5 at the door 307 W26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
Monday October 30, 2006 at 6:30PM $5 Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre 307 W26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
Theatre Address:
The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 W 26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
New York, NY
Phone: 212.366.9176
http://www.ucbtheatre.com/ny/
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday September 22, 2006 4:29PM
DAVE ENG AND JUSTIN MORAN TAKE A MO'FUCKIN' BITE OUT OF THE UCBT THEATRE
DAVE ENG AND JUSTIN MORAN TAKE A MO'FUCKIN' BITE OUT OF THE UCBT THEATRE
That's right. You've probably seen Dave Eng and/or Justin Moran do improv like a bazillion gazillion times right? WRONG. Cause you've never seen them do improv TOGETHER at the UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATRE in New York before? You have? Well you're a fucking liar and we're going to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping around. Oh most definitely. We're definitely not bluffing you cheating piece of crap. So whenever you have time outside of your infidelity romps with the neighborhood whore you should come and see Justin Moran and Dave Eng do long-form improv comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on Sunday October 1, 2006 at 5:30PM $5 at the door 307 W26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
Sunday October 1, 2006 at 5:30PM $5 Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre 307 W26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
Theatre Address:
The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 W 26th Street (at the corner of 8th Ave)
New York, NY
Phone: 212.366.9176
http://www.ucbtheatre.com/ny/
 Improv Bites. We Bite Back.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday September 8, 2006 11:01AM
My sperm. Your sperm. We all scream for cheap sperm.
My sperm. Your sperm. We all scream for cheap sperm.
If you have access to the internet. You will never be bored.
Upon my perusing of the vast resources of the only place I can really call "home" I was surprised and intrigued to stumble upon the following article from www.soyouwanna.com on exactly "How to become a sperm donor" http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/sper...
The immediate thought of "Hey I can sell this? But I've been doing it for free" instantly crossed my mind.
Looking to make a quick buck and wanting to make absolutely sure that my genetic material makes it across the eons of time to when our race finally evolves into beings of pure energy; I decided to forgo the "traditional method" and take what could perhaps be a faster way to produce offspring without having to buy someone a drink (or five).
Upon reaching the second page I carefully reviewed the well conceived checklist in order to qualify for donation of sperm:
*"You must be between the ages of 18-34. The sperm of young men are better at defrosting than old man sperm."
Check. My "cream-of-some-young-guy" is already defrosted
*"You must have a high school degree, almost always a college degree, and even more preferably, a JD, BMW, multiple houses, and googobs of money."
Check. This is where my BA in Communications and that drop in culinary class finally become useful
*"You cannot have (or ever have had) hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HIV, genital herpes, venereal warts, ebola, or that disease that makes little babies look like they're 90 years old."
I'm pretty sure that if I had VD I would be on a commercial kayaking and talking about how prescription drug XX has done wonders "by liberating me." Then I would proceed to bike across country and rock climb. Check.
*"You must be a boy. Or a talented girl."
According to 23 years of constant "research" and socialized engendering and not having to use the restroom in a group. I consider myself a male. Check.
*"You must be at least 5'11". That's because almost all mothers-to-be ask for tall donors."
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.
Now I'm not a tall person by any standards. In fact I pretty average height considering my family. But 5'11" is absurd. You find me a 5'11" Asian person and I will give you several seconds to prepare for my round house kick to your face.
ABSOULTELY NOT.
I will not let this set back stop me from achieving my American Dream of having many many many anonymous offspring. I have now made it my continual and unrelenting effort to pass out as many free samples as possible in order to prove my genetic worth as an individual of the human race and stop at nothing until I find unmistakable, devilishly handsome clones of myself walking the streets of every major city in the country and eventually establishing a central computer controlled defensive system that I call "Skynet" which according to sci-fi law will be the culmination of our technological prowess and will allow us to "relax" as a race while the Attack of the Clones of Dave Eng will take place and will finally gain power as the most fearsome force the planet has ever known.
"Together we can rule the Galaxy. As father and sons"
But I digress.
For a free sample of Dave Eng genetic material, please send a self addressed and stamped empty Snapple bottle to.
~Dave "yeah I was in that commercial kayaking" Eng
Dave Eng is a contributing satirical writer for the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, USA Today, and The Onion. He has been known from time to time to lie through his teeth.
 A solider of Dave Eng is on final approach towards the mission objective.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday September 7, 2006 11:12AM
That's right I will be on the Colbert Report you stupid bitches
That's right I will be on the Colbert Report you stupid bitches
Us improv types like to use http://www.improvresourcecenter.com website in order to plug shows, classes, and basically sell each other used furniture.
When I saw a casting notice like this:
--------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- -------
http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/s...
Colbert Report seeks "ethnic" extras
Hi everybody.
We're shooting a bit for the Colbert Report that takes place in a citizenship class, and we need extras to play the students. Here's the actual request from our producer:
Quote:
"So we're looking for people who are of ethnicities that may look like recent immigrants or people like me, who can at least pretend to be one of those ethnicities."
The bit is scheduled to tape Thursday 6/7 (tomorrow) at 1pm, though that time is subject to change. It should take about an hour.
If you are interested, please email me by 5pm today (Weds) at pgwinn (at) gmail (dot) com.
Thanks!
--------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- ------
I immediately though "hey, wait a second. I look like a fucking immigrant"
A few phone calls and emails later I was scheduled to play a recent immigrant in a citizenship class being taught by Chewbacca.
Anyways the point of this story is that I'm going to be on the Colbert report (naturally playing a Chinese speaking, dumpling gathering, soy sauce swallowing, fresh of the boat immigrant) being taught by Chewbacca.
I hope that this bit will 1) NOT get cut 2) Get to air sometime soon so I can show my parents what I am doing with my useless Communications degree.
I heart NYC.
~Dave "can someone please get this walking carpet out of my way" Eng Where Colbert, Eng, and Chewbacca combine to form a magical force of immigration and naturalization
Where Colbert, Eng, and Chewbacca combine to form a magical force of immigration and naturalization
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thursday January 12, 2006
Job Hunt = One Big Shit in the Face
Job Hunt = One Big Shit in the Face
On my umpteenth day of being unemployed I was contacted by a company called Universal Online Promotions. They were a "marketing" firm and were looking to fill entry level positions in account management. Being a place of business where the requisite client-customer communication doesn't involve the phrases "would you like fries with that?" or "do you want me to check the oil too?" I wearily prepared the night before for what would be an early departure tomorrow to meet the 9:00AM scheduled time.
In an attempt to shed the first impressions of a slacker; my alarm clock was set at a reasonable 6:00AM; which gave me plenty of time to wake up. Wake up again. And finally wake up and actually stay up; shower; eat; catch my bus and be on my merry way. At exactly 7:26AM I was on the corner and ready to face the worst case scenario: rush hour traffic. I figured that with even an hour's worth of traffic (which is the worst I have encountered) there would still remain a half an hour to make it to the office which was only eight blocks away from Port Authority.
Luckily as I boarded I was pleased to find that I had taken up the last available seat (no standing for me suckas!) AND there was absolutely no traffic going into Manhattan via the Lincoln tunnel. Arriving at exactly 8:00AM in the midtown vicinity I tried to take as much time as humanly possible to walk those eight blocks to the office (I wanted to be early but not blindingly; smack in the face; wassa-matta-with-you-boy early) I stopped at every intersection to let traffic go before I crossed; which surprisingly alarmed some drivers who I guess expected me to jump in front of their cab and sue them all in one swift stroke.
Sadly; in my attempt to walk as slowly as possible I made it to the office at 8:20AM; with much much more time to kill. As I walked through the office door and into the reception area I was once again greeted by "Jen" the secretary. Two days ago I had spoken with Jen over the phone and she sounded just like any other receptionist: quick, scripted, and unusually bright and vibrant in the morning. The thing with Jen was that it was okay talking with her on the phone but as I sat in the waiting room to kill the remaining forty minutes before the second interview I had the cruel and unusual privilege of her returning the company's phone calls in the most shrill and loudly obnoxious voice possible.
Several times I considered standing up and yelling "USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE BITCH." But after contemplating the ramifications that it may have on my second interview the Universal Online Promotions I decided to play this one cool and try to zone out by reading a month old copy of Entertainment Weekly. "Huh, I didn't know there was a King Kong movie coming out.." I thought to myself as I quickly flipped through the pages of the magazine in an attempt to drown out the Long Island accented siren just inches to the right of me.
Unfortunately Entertainment Weekly November 2005 proved to be a quick read and I became bored once again. I glanced down at my watch. 8:30AM. Could this be? Had space and time accidentally slipped; slowing down the world in the one particular office waiting room where I had to endure the massive migraine of receptionist Jen's scripted voice?
Again at this particular moment I searched Jen's desk for an office implement to jam into my ear so that the incessant noise that was clearly damaging brain cells would finally cease.
Oddly enough in the same span of time I had a creative vision: anagrams.
Across the room from me was the large, italic and mirrored signage that read "Universal Online Promotions"
I quickly zoned into creating words out of the mess of letters that now lay before me. Once I had gotten Scrabble-busting words like "I" and "a" out of the way I set out for a new challenge: "How many names can you make out of these letters?"
Here's the list of what I came up with: Peter, Tina, Vesper, Malone, Ian, Nelson, Ester, Neil, Sal, Ron, Monroe, Lenore, Liane, Solomon, Minerva, and Erol
Needles to say I was pretty fucking proud of my accomplishments into the foray of time killing. I was particularly pleased with Solomon (Bible guy.) and Minerva (Greek Goddess guy.) Although I'm not quite sure I spelled Erol or Ester right.
Glanced back down at the watch: 9:00AM. Okay good; the anagrams had wasted just the right amount of time. Now just wait for the boss to come out..
Jo was a tall, blonde, mid-twenty something that had interviewed me the day before and had requested that I come back for a second round interview today. Which I figured would be good because I was still unclear on what the company did and exactly what I had to do. My father had reviewed the email about the position the night before and quickly commented "Gah.." "I don't think this is the right position for you. Sales? Sounds like a scheme."
I didn't want to bring dad's preconceived notions into the office today. I honestly wanted to learn what this company was about before I made a decision. But more and more warning signs popped up from my last foray into the professional world (One Source Talent: A modeling management company which I later found out was on the top of list at scamalert.com)
1) There were many twenty-something's roaming around the office in business apparel that looked a) abandoned at a 1999 high school prom or b) newly purchased but clearly from uncoordinated suits that were discounted because the jacket didn't match the pants.
2) There was a loud "sales meeting" going on in the conference room adjacent to the lobby that involved chanting and a loud pep talk.
3) My gut felt like this day was going to be more of me "hunting for the catch" than really learning anything
But Jo didn't show up! Minutes were ticking past 9:00AM and still I remained in that waiting room. Anagram-less I began to panic. However Jen had gone into call hiatus and the office was basked in that sweet glow of silence for the next few minutes.
Luckily it only took an additional hour for Joe to arrive..
There I was a full two hours early before the "interview" (I don't exactly recall what I did for the second hour. All I recollect is that it didn't contain any malicious thoughts towards the receptionist or myself. Which I guess is pretty good)
In Jo's office she introduced me to the two account managers who would show me the ropes for the day: Naj and Chelvi. Names today were my first corporate opponent and I smashed it into the ground by getting theirs right instantly (Even though they routinely forgot my name. Which I guess is alright because "Dave" is difficult to pronounce correctly)
I noticed that they were both still wearing their coats. I had imagined that I would be sitting behind a desk watching them complete sales or discuss marketing strategies over the phone or at least in a conference room. Then it hit me. This was clearly not an office job when Chelvi asked "if I had comfortable shoes on?" We were going to do a lot of walking...
1) Unsolicited marketing pitches to businesses... STRIKE ONE UNIVERAL ONLINE!
Two hours, three trains, and one bus later we were somewhere in Brooklyn. I would like to tell you exactly where but when I had learned halfway through the trip that my leader Chelvi had moved to NYC from Chicago only a month ago. I'm pretty sure "Are you joking?" was the first thought that passed through my head; but I kept a straight and level face on and just attempted to play through this as best I could.
2) Unknowledgeable and foreign sales staff.. STRIKE TWO UNIVERSAL ONLINE!
Now on our bus's first transfer Chelvi had explained what we were going to do that day. Each manager was assigned a different area of Brooklyn and they were to approach businesses to sell office products directly to them from the company's current client: Quill.
I had the option to hop right back on the bus and yell "PEACE OUT BITCHES" as I ripped my necktie off and stepped onto its cheaply sewn fabric freeing me from a day of corporate servitude... but I decided against it. If I left now I would not only feel very embarrassed but I would have nothing to do at home either. Another day of playing Tetris 64 didn't seem that appealing to me; so I opted instead to follow along with this sham and at least pretend to be somewhat interested. After all I thought it would make an interesting blog entry.
The first place that Chelvi, Naj and I hit up was a florist on Flatbush Ave. I was somewhat curious about the script that each one of these sales people had to follow. "Charlie" the florist's owner immediately spotted the sales pitch that Chelvi delivered (If it were me I would be a little suspicious of three people walking into your Brooklyn florist all wearing business suits. We would either be a) trying to sell you something b) trying to convert you to our "true" religion or c) attempting to enforce a bail bond)
Charlie never bit but in the conversation with ladies afterwards I learned that there would be dozens more of these pitches today. My feet were already starting to hurt. Fuck you Payless.
I guess the worst part about all of this was that we weren't even selling anything cool like stocks or Ginsu® knives. The primary product that we were trying to close people on was paper. The whole situation seemed like Boiler Room doped up on sedatives and tranquilizers.
The second (and final) place we visited was a dentist's office in a corporate park. As soon as we walked in Chelvi was in control of the situation and immediately landed the sale of a couple of cases of paper. Good, I won't have to do much speaking today. I thought that would be all but she just continued selling more and more products to this poor dentist receptionist. So about an hour and a half later I was still sitting in the waiting room waiting for her to complete the sale. There were no huge letters available anywhere so anagrams were clearly not an option. Instead I turned to the office's television which was broadcasting the midday news which included a special report on the change of New Jersey's state slogan. For as long as I can remember it had been "The Garden State" to which tourists spawned questions like "What garden?" "What is New Jersey?" I was hoping to hear a more pleasing and creative phrase (practically anything at this point) but what I heard next sent shockwaves through my brain at giga-sonic speeds ripping apart brain tissue and destroying my central cortex:
"New Jersey: COME SEE FOR YOURSELF."
If New Jersey were a middle-schooler this would be the equivalent of stealing his lunch money, punching him in the gut, and then crucifying him.
Luckily after I heard of this sad sad news we were scheduled to get back to the office.
Chelvi had given me a handout of the different positions in the company and how easy and quickly one could be promoted through the ranks. From account executive to corporate trainer to eventually branch office manager (Which by the way would put me in the $250,000+ earning bracket. Good because then I would be able to afford the 24 karat solid gold platinum inlaid diamond I always wanted)
3) Rapidly increasing promotions and pay rate.. STRIKE THREE UNIVERSAL ONLINE! YOU-ARE-OUTTA-HERE!
We parted ways when the D train hit 34th street.
Sixteen anagrams, eight dollars, six hours, five trains, and four bus transfers later I sulkingly and wearily made my way back to Port Authority and then back home.
I don't plan on calling Universal Online Promotions back because I have a soul.
I guess if I really wanted to I could make quite a bit of money; but I think I'll be happy and continue doing useless but pleasantly enjoyable things (anagrams)
Today's Lesson: Don't apply for jobs.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday December 20, 2005
AA vs. 72o: THE ULTIMATE PWNAGE
AA vs. 72o: THE ULTIMATE PWNAGE
So I guess it finally happened. No matter how well you know or play this game you are going to having a loosing streak sooner or later. Being more of an optimist I guess I would rather had this come later than sooner since I had been running a 12 session hot streak. But I guess this is all somewhat of a test for anyone who takes the game seriously. A chance if you will to show the great poker gods that you will not blowup under pressure. So far I've been pretty good without going on a bankroll crippling tilt.
Today I witnessed the phenomenon of "schooling" first hand. It doesn't involve getting manhandled by difficult opposition. Instead it involves teams or (schools) of literally the most inane and crappy players one could ever conceive. If a great player sitting at table of fish can cleanup, then conversely a group of stupid people (when working as a team) can bring a solid player to his knees.
The outstanding example of this that appeared in tonight’s session was when "Sussie"* with 72o (along with six other people holding various and meager cards) called a late position raise from under the gun against "Tom"* the (loose aggressive) player on the button who had what else but AA. I didn't like either player at this table because they were adding additional frustration to my already handicapped play due to my down streak. Having invested zero dollars so far I was eager to watch two shitty players go at for free. So here’s the breakdown: Flop: T53 all rainbow. I don't think "Tom" could have asked for a better flop than this; and he was pretty far ahead in the hand from preflop. So "Sussie" first to act bets; and then what else happens but there are five callers. This would sound pretty inane to the most novice of players but Sussie had just sat down to a Hold'em table for the first time she was employing the "I-don't-know-what-the fuck-I'm-doing-but-by-the-grace-of-Lucifer-himself-I-will-win-this-hand" strategy. Tom correctly raises and then six callers including Sussie (No Fold’em Hold’em and thus the pot gets ginormous) The Turn: 7. Everyone including retarded Timmy would put their money on Tom to win at this point. I think that in the hand calculator Tom is like 98% to win. But never ever underestimate the power of stupid people in groups. Sussie bets again this time there are only three callers behind her. Again Tom raises. And the rest of the table calls. The air is so thick with “set-up” you could have cut it with a knife. Then by the grace of pure concentrated evil a 2 comes on the river. Sussie made 7's over 2's in an inane spectacle of evil vs. mathematics. She bets again (last three players drop out) and like a Greek tragedy Tom goes for the reraise catching him completely off guard.; he knows better than to reraise here so reluctantly he calls. They flip over and Sussie shows down here fantastically crappy hand. Tom goes on tilt; Sussie doesn’t even know she won the hand and is busy chatting away with the waitress who has brought her a pina colada.
I had seen similar scenes like this before but in the wake of my slow spiral into a down streak I could not have thought of a more opportune time where I’ve wanted to punch Sussie’s mother right in the face.
Conclusion: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in groups.
*Names have been changed to protect the mind numbing idiotic
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday November 30, 2005
Organized Madness: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
Organized Madness: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
I got this AIM message from Nick Culpin recently:
"blah ver 7point0(12:31:42): dave eng, you me and jeff are playing the december 11th 3 man at matt's. no excuses
blah ver 7poin0(12:31:42): p.s. i suck at life"
Although i completely agreed with the second comment, the first one had my head spinning. Could it be? For the first time Lifetime paintball mates Nick Culpin, Jeff Hignett and Dave Eng would be playing a tournament together? AND possibly NOT SUCKING!?
I had to come up with a name..... and quickly but it had to be great. It had to spectacular. And most of all my overwhelming goal was to have it be completely ridiculous. Even more so as it is yelled over a loud speaker.
The following suggestions immediately came to mind:
"Things you can't eat"
"Don't Get Eliminated"
"My mom's uncle"
"Soccer Moms"
"Untitled:"
"Average Joe's"
"Standard Defrost"
"More Powerful than Superman, Spiderman, Batman, and the Incredible Hulk Combined"
I reviewed the list and found that the overwhelming majority of them were taken either from: movies, family guy, or my kitchen microwave.
Then it hit me. As i sat next to my brother greg and he started doing a familiar and comical dance of one of the web's oldest and most respsected flash cartoons.... it hit me:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/peanutbutter.html
Create > New > Photoshop Document. The race was on. Here's what the first experiment looked like:
Schweeeeet. I uploaded the image to the CafePress directory was all ready to Insert > Credit Card Number. But at that point i thought again: "Maybe i should ask the guys first." I decided to wait until next morning (in reality it already was next morning. for some reason the past two weeks i hadn't been able to get to sleep before 4:30AM)
I told Culpin about it. He liked it. "Viscious vs. Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Report to the upper field. Viscious vs. Peanut Butter Jelly Time" It was going to be great. Really great.
Then those bastards. Got an email from CafePress saying that the image that i had uploaded violated some Copywright issues and they would not be able to print it.
Dammit. Culpin came up with another solution:
1) Purchase 3 Yellow XL T-Shirts from Willowbrook Champs
2) Purchase "Magnum Sized?" Black Sharpie marker from Staples (or equivalent)
3) [In glory of my old visual communication design days] Write PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME across the front and back of t-shirts
4) Wear such t-shirts to December 11th 3 Man Paintball Tournament
5) Own mad bitches
6) "Absolute Victory and Peanut Butter Jelly Time to the podium"
7) Awesome
Now i must make my way to willowbrook. |
